When you’re single, being abstinent can feel much easier because there isn’t a romantic relationship adding pressure or temptation. But once you begin dating, staying abstinent while dating often becomes more challenging. Emotional connection, attraction, and expectations can quickly activate temptation, causing many women to struggle with boundaries they felt confident about while single.
That’s why having a clear plan for dating while abstinent matters. Discipline alone isn’t enough — wisdom is just as important. Learning how to approach dating, communicate boundaries, and protect your values can help you stay aligned with your decision and avoid situations that make abstinence harder than it needs to be.
In this post, I’ll walk you through how to approach dating while staying abstinent, using lessons I’ve learned from my own experiences and past mistakes.
Know Your Boundaries Before You Start Dating
Before you start dating anyone, it is always a good idea to get clear on what your boundaries are. This is especially true when it comes to abstinence until marriage. When you decide to become abstinent after living a life of fornication, it can be very easy for old habits to creep back in. The way you used to date can’t be the same way you date now.
Let’s first define what boundaries are. They are the rules or guidelines that we have that let us know what we do and don’t want in our lives. Of course, we can not dictate every single thing that becomes a part of our lives or our surroundings. However, there are plenty of times you can think of where your lack of boundaries affected the outcome of a situation. It happens to all of us at many points in our lives. This is why having boundaries is so important.
Boundaries come in different forms. For example, there are physical, conversational, and environmental boundaries. These are not necessarily the technical terms for these, but this is how I describe them. Physical boundaries are the boundaries you have when it comes to your body. Environmental boundaries are the boundaries you hold when it comes to your surroundings and the places you choose to put yourself in or not. Conversational boundaries pertain to what types of conversations we allow from others or topics we are comfortable discussing. All three of these types of boundaries are very important to have when it comes to abstinence.
Here are some ideas for these boundaries that would be a good place to start.
Physical Boundaries
- Limit affection to hugging and light kisses. Avoid a make out session.
- Keep touches to areas that are not private parts
Environmental Boundaries
- Not going over each other’s house too quickly
- When you start going to each other’s homes, the visit needs to have a time limit. For example, the guy should leave before 9 pm.
- No spending the night at each other’s house
Conversational Boundaries
- Not having overly sexual conversations with a guy
- Not allowing a guy to say things that make you second guess your decision to become abstinent
Everybody’s boundaries will be different. These are just a few examples that will help keep temptation at bay. Grab a notebook or piece of paper and start writing some boundaries for yourself. Your list of boundaries might grow over time, but it is good to have a starting point.
Communicate Your Standards Early (But Not Immediately)
When choosing abstinence, it can be a common feeling to want to let the person you are dating know right away. This is not necessary or wise. When you are dating someone, the topic of sex is going to come up at some point. Sometimes the guy will bring up the subject, and other times you may find yourself in a situation where expectations begin to form. This is the time when your standards and boundaries need to be communicated.
The way you communicate your choice to be abstinent is very important. Abstinence should never be presented as something you’re unsure about or still debating. This is a decision you’ve thought through and committed to, and it should be communicated with confidence and clarity. When your delivery sounds hesitant, it can signal that your boundary is flexible, which may lead someone to try to change your mind. Even when you are confident, some men will still test your boundaries, but your certainty puts you in a much stronger position to stand firm. If you’re unsure about your own standards, it becomes much harder for others to take them seriously, including yourself.
Going into this conversation, you have to also be aware that not all men are going to respond in the way you want them to. Some will respect your choice but decide to walk away. Others will try to get you to change your mind. And some will accept your decision and join you on that journey. Regardless of a man’s reaction, your standards have to remain firm. If a man is not accepting of your decision, that is not a man you should continue dating. Your boundaries are not meant to convince anyone. They are meant to protect you and keep you aligned with your values.
Avoid Situations That Make Abstinence Harder
Earlier I brought up how you need to have boundaries before you start dating. Here I will expand upon what I touched on previously. Let’s provide some examples of situations that can make abstinence harder for you.
Traveling with a man
Traveling with the guy you are dating can be a fun experience and something that brings the two of you closer. The thing you want to remember is that you want to become closer emotionally and not sexually. This can be a very tempting situation for couples who are abstaining from sex. Usually, you will stay in the same hotel room together in the same bed.
No matter how confident you are in your ability to be abstinent sleeping in the same bed with a man will cause a strong temptation that you don’t want to invite into your life. Yes it is possible to sleep next to a man and not do anything, but not everybody has that ability. As feelings become stronger that only intensifies temptation so I would say make life easier on yourself and don’t put yourself in that situation.
The best solution would be to get 2 separate rooms, but if you prefer to stay in the same room, get a room with 2 beds.
Spending the night with a man
When a man spends the night at your house or vice versa, this is the same idea as staying in a hotel with a man. It is putting you in a tough situation. As you and your man walk into that bedroom, temptation will be walking in with you. This is a mistake I made in the early stages of my abstinence journey, and I ended up regretting it because it just caused unnecessary temptation and could have been avoided.
When you’re enjoying each other’s company, it can start to get pretty late. Both of you can lose track of time, and that sets the stage for sleeping over because someone is too tired to drive back home. Like I briefly mentioned earlier, to avoid the sleeping over trap, set a certain time that is early enough that neither person is too tired to get back home.
Making out with a man
Being affectionate while dating is something that is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. But there is a difference between being affectionate and making out. Being affectionate is holding hands, hugs, kisses and cuddling. These are all reasonable forms of affection while being abstinent for a lot of people.
Making out, on the other hand, is way more intense and can involve prolonged tongue kissing and touching in private areas. It can be a form of foreplay which usually leads to sex. Of course, people can make out and not have sex, but as you continue to do this more and more as your relationship goes on, temptation tends to increase each time.
Drinking Alcohol
One thing that I noticed when I used to drink alcohol while dating is it made me more susceptible to lowering my boundaries and betraying my values. This was especially true when I had one too many drinks. That is why I think it is a good idea to limit drinking when you are dating. One drink should be fine for most women, but it would be wise to stop there or not drink alcohol at all. Drinking causes our minds to become less sharp and alert. Abstaining requires a clear and strong mind, which alcohol does not provide. Trust me, you will thank me later.
There are a lot more examples that are possible, so think about times when you were in a situation that was very tempting for you. Think about how you ended up in that situation and how you could have better navigated that situation to have a different outcome. We all make choices that are not always in our best interest, but when that happens, we have to extract the lesson from it. That will allow us to do things differently moving forward.
Stay Close to God During the Process
It is true that abstinence takes a lot of discipline, but it also involves a lot of prayer. What we, as Christian women, must remember is that our strength and discipline come from our closeness to God. We will all have weak moments in dating, but keeping God close and making Him the head of your life will give you the strength you need to fight your fleshly desires.
It is important that you talk to Him about your struggles and ask Him for the strength and discipline that you need. It is God’s instruction for us to be abstinent until marriage, so He will give us the ability to do that. To keep myself on the right path, I like to think about if Jesus was sitting in the room with me, would he be happy about how I am dating or living my life? This can really help keep temptation at bay. God needs to be the foundation that holds everything together.
Don’t Date Out of Loneliness
At some point while being single, there will be moments of loneliness, especially when you really want to be in a relationship. This can eventually lead to desperation if you allow it. Dating while desperate is something you definitely want to avoid. Trust me, I know all too well how that turns out.
You might be wondering why this is such a problem. The answer is loneliness, along with desperation, causes you to lower your standards and make decisions that are not aligned with your values and boundaries. Just think about this, if you were starving and hadn’t eaten for days, you would be desperate for food. You would probably feel like it doesn’t matter what type of food it is, you just want food. That is not the way we want to be when it comes to dating. When you allow desperation to set in, you start to date guys that you’re not aligned with just because you are desperate for a relationship. When that line of thinking starts, your commitment to abstinence will start to diminish next.
So what you want to do is shift your mindset from” I am desperate for a relationship” to “I desire a relationship.” Desiring a relationship is normal. It is what you want, but you are ok if you don’t have it. When you desire a relationship, you are much better able to keep a level head when it comes to dating and don’t feel like you are in a rush to make things happen.
Remember Why You Started
Before you start dating you want to make sure you remember why you chose abstinence in the first place. Remembering that and holding firm to that will help get you through the temptation and the feelings of rejection when a man doesn’t accept your choice to wait until marriage. As I discussed in my last blog post about abstinence, I chose abstinence because that’s how God wants us all to live our lives until we get married. I chose it as a form of self love as well. Because I know my why that gives me the strength to have confidence in my decision and not back down from it. Think about what your why is and never forget it.
