Recently, I had an experience in my dating life that taught me an important lesson about protecting my peace.
Deep down, I knew this man wasn’t the right person for me. I noticed things that made me question whether I should keep letting him into my life, but instead of trusting what I already knew, I gave the situation more time and access than I should have. And with that access came uncertainty.
I started overthinking things that normally wouldn’t have consumed so much of my attention. I made excuses for things I knew didn’t sit right with me. I second guessed myself and spent too much time trying to make sense of a situation that was bringing more confusion than clarity.
Eventually, I had to recognize something uncomfortable. While I couldn’t control his choices or behavior, I could control how much access I continued to give him to my life. This was an uncomfortable truth because I didn’t want this person out of my life, but my peace was more important.
That experience made me think about all the different ways I’ve had to learn to protect my peace, not just in dating.
I’ve had to learn to say no. I’ve had to change the way I think about situations at work. I’ve had to stop giving so much weight to what other people think of me. And because I naturally care deeply about what others are going through, I’ve also had to learn that I can support someone without carrying their problems as if they were my own.
Protecting your peace doesn’t mean creating a life where nothing difficult ever happens. Difficult conversations, disappointing experiences, uncomfortable decisions, and challenging seasons are all part of life.
Instead, I’ve learned that protecting my peace means being more intentional about what I allow access to my time, thoughts, emotions, and energy.
Because not everything deserves your attention, and not everyone deserves access to your peace.
Pay Attention to What Disrupts Your Peace
So, what does it mean to protect your peace? To me, it means being intentional about not continually allowing people or situations to steal your sense of calm, clarity, and overall joy you have in your life.
Some of us are so used to having our peace consistently disturbed that we may not even recognize what peace feels like anymore.
To me, peace can look like clarity, confidence, joy, calmness, patience, grace, and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you’ll never experience anxiety, anger, confusion, or uncertainty. Those are normal emotions. But when a person or situation continually leaves you feeling confused, anxious, angry, bitter, or unsettled, it’s worth paying attention to.
One of the hardest things to do is recognize when someone or something is disrupting your peace while you’re still in the middle of the situation.
Looking back, the signs can seem obvious. But when we’re actually living through something, it’s much easier to ignore how we feel, make excuses, or convince ourselves that something isn’t bothering us as much as it really is.
That’s why it’s important to pay attention to what you’re feeling and notice patterns.
Take some time to slow down and ask yourself questions like:
- When I spend time with this friend or significant other, how do I usually feel afterward. Relaxed, encouraged, stressed, or confused?
- Is this situation consuming more of my thoughts than it should?
- Am I constantly overthinking what is happening?
- Am I making excuses for behavior I know doesn’t sit right with me?
- How has my body been feeling when I think about this situation—relaxed, anxious, tense, or unsettled?
Questions like these can help you understand what you’re truly feeling and how a situation may be affecting you. During our busy lives, we don’t always stop long enough to think about what’s bothering us. We may know something feels off without taking the time to understand why.
Sometimes we need to slow down, check in with ourselves, and honestly recognize what’s going well in our lives and what’s not.
Protecting your peace takes effort and intentionality. We don’t accidentally create a peaceful life. We make choices that continually move us in that direction.
Be Intentional About Who Gets Access to You
Now that you have figured out what disrupts your peace, it is time to get more intentional about who gets access to you.
I’ve learned I can’t control another person’s behavior. I can’t make someone communicate differently, treat me the way I want to be treated, or make choices I agree with. But I can decide how much access I give that person to my life.
My recent dating experience helped me understand this. Like I mentioned earlier, I couldn’t control his behavior, but I could decide how much access I continued to give him. Eventually, I realized that protecting my peace required me to change my own actions.
I think that’s an important part of setting boundaries that we don’t always talk about. A boundary isn’t always about getting another person to change their behavior. Sometimes the boundary is about deciding what you will do differently.
That doesn’t always mean removing someone from your life completely. Different relationships require different levels of access. You may need to spend less time with someone who constantly leaves you emotionally drained. You may need to stop sharing personal details with someone who hasn’t handled your vulnerability well. You may need to say no instead of agreeing to something because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. And sometimes, you may realize that a relationship does need to end.
The right boundary will look different depending on the situation. What matters is recognizing that you shouldn’t give access to your time, attention, emotions, and energy to everyone in the same way.
Ask yourself: What am I still giving access to that costs me more peace than it should?
Protecting your peace sometimes requires making a difficult decision about what or who you continue to allow into certain areas of your life.
You Can Care Without Carrying
As someone who is a bit of an empath, it’s easy to take on other people’s problems. Whatever the issue is, I want to fix it or make that person feel better. The majority of the time, the issue has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you can really do to change the situation.
That is why it’s important to care without carrying the other person’s emotional load. It’s normal to empathize with someone, but taking on their problems is never your job. You have to leave that job to God. He is the one who helps carry people’s issues and will get them through those tough situations. It’s not a problem to be supportive, but when your involvement starts to consistently drain you, you need to rethink how involved you are in that situation.
One thing we often forget is the power of prayer. When there is a situation we can’t control or need to remove ourselves from, it is always a good practice to pray over the situation and the person. This is a great way to show you care without carrying the burden of solving the issue. God can solve the issue in the way that only He knows is best. Be ok with releasing yourself from that pressure.
Stop Giving Everything Your Emotional Energy
Not everything that happens in your life deserves the same amount of emotional energy.
This is something I’ve had to learn over time, especially when it comes to work and worrying about what other people think of me. I used to give certain situations far more attention than they deserved. I would replay things in my mind, worry about how someone perceived me, or continue thinking about something long after the moment had passed. But I’ve learned that constantly focusing on something doesn’t necessarily make the situation better. Sometimes it just lets the situation keep affecting me in a negative way.
Things will always frustrate us, people won’t always understand us, and situations won’t always go the way we hoped. If we give all of those things our emotional energy, we leave very little room for the things that are actually important.
Part of protecting your peace is learning to pause and ask yourself:
- Does this really deserve this much of my energy?
- Will this matter a week, a month, or a year from now?
- Is there something I can actually do about this situation?
- Am I trying to control how someone else thinks or feels about me?
- Do I need to take action, or do I need to let this go?
This doesn’t mean you should ignore everything that bothers you. Some situations need to be addressed, while others need to be released. The goal is to learn the difference between something that requires your attention and something that is simply consuming your attention.
I’ve also had to accept that I can’t control what everyone thinks about me. I can listen to constructive feedback, reflect on my own actions, and make changes when necessary. But I don’t have to constantly adjust myself to make sure everyone approves of me. The same applies to work. I can care about doing my job well without allowing every frustrating interaction or difficult day to follow me home mentally.
Your emotional energy is valuable. Be intentional about where you spend it.
Protecting Your Peace Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Hard Things
When most people think about protecting their peace, they may assume it means avoiding uncomfortable situations, hard conversations, or anyone they’ve had conflict with. But disagreements and discomfort are normal parts of relationships and life. A difficult conversation may temporarily make you uncomfortable without disrupting your peace long term. In fact, a lot of the time, having those hard conversations lead to more peace because you release how you feel instead of holding it in. Hard conversations and situations help us grow in many ways because they stretch us and take us out of our comfort zone.
You have to realize peace is not the same as comfort. Sometimes long term peace requires short term discomfort. When I had to end things with the guy I mentioned at the beginning of this post, that was very uncomfortable, and we had some tough conversations. But allowing myself to be uncomfortable for a short period of time allowed me to have peace in the long run.
There will be times when you will have to say no, end a relationship, admit you were wrong, hear constructive criticism, or make a change you don’t want to make. But these uncomfortable things move you towards peace more than you realize. Next time you have to have a hard conversation, notice how you feel a few weeks after it. Do you feel more at peace because you worked through whatever it was that was bothering you in the first place? My guess is you probably do.
My final Thoughts
Now that you have a better understanding of what it means to protect your peace and how you can get started it is time to do some self reflection. What is one thing taking up more of your emotional energy than it should? This isn’t always an easy question to answer. This is where the discernment that God has given you plays a role in helping you figure out what direction is best for your life.
Because we are usually on the go and have limited me time, it’s easy to overlook what’s been bothering us. Take some time to assess your life currently. You don’t have to figure this out overnight. Tapping into your feelings sometimes takes time, processing, and prayer.
Like I mentioned before, the goal is not to live a life without problems. The goal is to move towards a life where you are not mentally and emotionally drained by things and people that shouldn’t have unlimited access to you.
Decide what needs to be removed from your life, what needs to be limited, and what needs to be addressed directly. Once you figure this out, you will be on your way to more peace.